Five Times He Asked and One Time He Didn't
by Ladyamesindy
Summary: "Just how many times did he ask?" The five times that John asked Jane to marry him ... and the one time he didn't. Part of my ShepShep series.


_**As referenced in Chapter 4 of "Destiny's Road" in a discussion between Jane, John, Ashley and Kaidan, it took six tries before Jane accepted John's marriage proposal (though they turned out slightly different than suggested in that chapter) Both John and Jane poked at me to explore those instances in a little more detail, and this is what I discovered ….**_

* * *

 _ **2172 - Basic Training**_

"You know we graduate next week."

Jane chuckled, fingers moving automatically over the weapon she was cleaning. "Thank you, Captain Obvious," she teased. "I see they promoted you quickly up the ranks!"

John dropped into a seat across from her. "And we both get a week's leave before we have to report to OCS."

Jane snorted, darted a quick look over at him, but did not repeat herself.

"So," he continued, "I was thinking."

Jane finished reassembling her service pistol, set it aside, and reached for the assault rifle lying next to it. "I'll alert the media," she replied mildly, offering a wink.

But contrary to his usual reactions to her teasing, John Shepard did not laugh. In fact, Jane realized when she glanced back over at him in some surprise, he appeared to be … nervous. That was strange. The man who dropped everything to fly across the galaxy the minute he didn't get a response from her a year before, whose tough as nails demeanor had helped them escape the _10th Street Reds_ at the time, nervous? Now? Setting aside the weapon she had just taken apart, Jane reached for the nearby rag to clean off her hands while rising to her feet. "Something on your mind, John?" she asked in a more serious tone.

He remained seated even as she moved to his side, but his eyes drifted up to meet hers. "Like I said, I was thinking."

Dropping to a knee beside him, she met his gaze at his eye level. "How about giving me a little more information to go on?"

He leaned towards her then, reaching out to grasp her hand loosely in his. The move itself wasn't unusual; they'd known each other for years and communicating through touch was as familiar between them as breathing. They were each other's best friend. Had guarded each other's backs since they were in their early teens. But there was something about _this_ time that felt different to Jane, and it left her feeling slightly off balance. The nearly overwhelming intensity in his blue eyes as he now looked at her? The sudden uncertainty that rolled off his body in waves? It could be either of these or something else altogether, but whatever it was Jane felt concern. She couldn't recall a time she'd seen him worked up about anything military related.

John took a deep breath, his blue eyes still searching her face as he replied, "Us."

Jane blinked, caught off guard. "Us?" she echoed.

He nodded slowly. "We make a great team, don't you think?"

"We do," she agreed carefully.

He took another deep breath. "And I was thinking … why not make it a permanent partnership?"

Jane gasped softly, pulling her hand from his and moving backwards a step and awkwardly falling on her rear end. "Are … John, are you suggesting …?"

He reached out again, though this time his fingers moved to tuck a loose coppery curl behind her ear. "Let's get married, Jane."

She bolted to her feet, backing up quickly with little regard to what was in her path, resulting in her stumbling and crashing into the foot of her bunk. "John … we ... we can't!"

The sound of footsteps behind her didn't alarm Jane, but hearing Ramirez call out and ask, "Hey, McIntyre, Shepard bothering you?" did. Upon entering basic, Jane and Ramirez had developed a quick and solid friendship. The implied, _You want me to take care of this for you?_ was not lost on her.

Eyes still locked onto John's, Jane called back over her shoulder, "Nah, I'd just have to find a new best friend and I don't have the time to break one in just now."

Ramirez grunted his acknowledgement and continued on. John rose to his feet and moved to stand in front of her, towering over her by almost a foot. "So … no?"

Jane sighed softly, lifting her hand to his cheek. "John … Okay, look, you need to understand a few things. First is, you are my best friend. End of story. You've always been there for me even when I didn't know I needed you there. Second, I think I've found something here," her hands spread out to include their surroundings. "Something that has become very important to me, and I don't want to risk losing that. And third …" She sighed again, her voice dropping to a whisper, "I'm not ready for that level of commitment. Not yet." Hand dropping to his arm, she squeezed gently. It wasn't that she didn't care about him - she did. Probably too damned much. But the truth of it was, right now the idea of marriage scared her; the idea of them both being in the military and married scared her to levels she couldn't even begin to explain given what had happened to her parents over the years. But she didn't want to outright deny John's request. He was right, to a point, and there was certainly room for things to change. "Ask me again … later?"

John's shoulders sagged just a bit and Jane felt a wave of guilt wash over her at the thought she'd hurt him, but when he looked at her again, she found him offering a smile. "Later, huh?"

Jane choked on a laugh at his hopeful tone. Figured he'd latch onto that. "Pretty quick on the rebound there, aren't you, Shepard?"

His eyes sparkled as his smile widened. "Well, the way I see it, you didn't outright say 'no,'" he pointed out reasonably.

Jane rolled her eyes. "You are a menace, I swear!" she muttered, punching his upper arm lightly.

He laughed softly before looping his arm over her shoulders, pulling her into a half hug. "So," he mused, "best friend?"

Jane groaned, her elbow automatically rising into his midsection. "Get out of here so I can finish, will you?"

Still chuckling softly, John turned to leave. "Hope springs eternal and all that, McIntyre," he reminded her, ducking through the doorway just before her pillow would have smacked him in the head.

 _ **2173 - Officer Candidate School**_

Jane didn't like OCS she discovered … she _thrived_ on it. In the weeks since beginning the program, she could already see the differences in herself and most of the others, particularly those with whom she'd gone through basic, and all for the better.

Sitting in the dining hall, grabbing a late lunch - or early dinner, depending on the point of view - while at the same time studying for an upcoming exam, she barely noticed the table rattle when someone dropped into the seat beside her. It was only when the familiar voice spoke that she realized she wasn't alone any longer. "Hey."

"Hey." Pulling her eyes from her notes, she glanced over. "Damn, John!" she breathed softly, reaching out with her napkin to press it against his cheek where blood was slowly oozing out from an abrasion. "What happened to you?"

John shrugged, more concerned with the tray of food he'd set before him. "Tactical field exercises," he replied between bites.

Jane pressed the makeshift bandage a bit more tightly to his cheek. When she lifted it again a minute or so later, she saw that the blood had slowed but not fully stopped. "You should probably hit the medbay on your way back to the barracks."

Another disinterested shrug. "It's not so bad."

Jane frowned. "It's been … what? An hour? Two? And it's still bleeding? Didn't you take any medigel with you?"

John reached over and grasped her hand, pulling it away which allowed the napkin to fall to the floor. "It's fine," he told her. Flashing a quick grin, he teased, "Keep it up and you might convince me you care enough."

Jane opened her mouth to protest, but all that came out was a sigh. Carefully pushing her books and tray away, she turned to face him. "John -"

He swiped his hand in a motion to cut her off. "Look, I know you said you needed time. I get that. I just want you to know my feelings aren't going to change."

"John, I just -"

He turned to meet her head on. "When will it be 'later' enough?" he asked.

She shook her head. "Look, we've both got a lot on our plates right now," she pointed out. "Marriage is a full time commitment. One I can't spare the time to focus on."

He watched her turn away, reaching for her notes and books. "So … not yet then?" he asked, using her terminology just to be sure they were on the same page.

"Not yet," she echoed.

"Fair enough," he allowed and let it drop. He was, by nature, a patient person. He could wait.

 _ **2174 - Terra Nova**_

"Not on duty tonight?"

Jane found a smile and completed a small whirling turn in her civvies, grinning like a fool when her skirt flared out around her legs. Being out of uniform felt odd, but since she planned to head into town, she figured civilian clothing might be more appropriate than her uniform. "Nope. Heading into Scott for dinner and a movie with Higgins and Sato." She tilted her head to her left. "You want to come along?"

John chuckled and shook his head. "I'm on duty," he told her. "Some of us have to hold down the fort while you go off and play."

"Hey, McIntyre, get a move on it!"

Jane turned to leave. "Alright. Catch you later?"

"Sure," John replied, but she'd already turned the corner by then.

~ n ~

John lost track of time once on duty. Being the ranking officer left him in charge of the paperwork for the night - and boy, did he hate paperwork! - but the nice thing about it, especially on the slow nights like this one, was that it helped the time go by faster.

He was just finishing up the last of it when he heard steps coming to a halt just outside of his office door. A glance in that direction had him smiling. "There you are. C'mon inside if you want."

Jane entered, dropping into a nearby chair. "Urgh," she groaned, "I'm beat."

John chuckled. "Night went that well, hmm?"

Her nose wrinkled up and John felt his heart skip a beat at how adorable it made her look.

"Dinner was fine," she replied around a yawn. "In fact, I'll take you sometime if you want - my treat. You'd like it. The movie, however, not so much. I think I would've had more fun just sitting here watching you fill out reports." She was well aware of his reputation regarding paperwork.

John's laughter continued. "You saying you find me … entertaining?"

Her eyes rolled. "Don't push it, John."

Setting the completed paperwork in the outbox on his desk, he rose and crossed the room to sit down in the chair beside her. She was leaning back, eyes closed, heels dangling from her fingertips that hung over the arm of her chair.

"John."

He nearly jumped, startled by her summons even though he could see her eyes remained shut. "Hmm?"

"You're doing it again."

He frowned. "Doing what again, exactly?"

Her eyes opened, found his, and for just a moment he felt time stand still. He could recall with exact clarity the moment of their first meeting years before. So much had happened between then and now.

"It isn't later yet."

"Ah." He sighed. How had she known? Granted, the thought was never far from his mind, but still.

Straightening in her chair, she suggested, "How about a nightcap instead?"

His smile was rueful even though the idea of joining her for a drink was appealing. "Still on duty for a while yet," he pointed out.

She leaned forward. "Even for a cup of your galaxy famous hot chocolate?"

John snorted in amusement, but rose to his feet and offered her his hand. "Galaxy famous? It must've really been a bad movie!"

Jane took his hand and pulled herself upright, falling into step beside him as they walked down the hall to the small kitchenette. "The absolute _worst!_ " she assured him.

"Hmm." John gathered the ingredients and started the process of making the hot chocolate. "Then I guess I'll make it a double."

Her lips curved upwards slightly. "A man after my own heart."

 _If you only knew…._

 _ **2174 - Tech School**_

"Happy birthday!"

Jane flushed a little, pleased at the surprise call even if it had woken her in the middle of the night before graduation from tech school. "Thanks, John," she told him quietly around a yawn as she sat on the floor of the bathroom, determined not to disturb her roommates' sleep. "You too." Sharing the same birthday only a year apart from one another had been their initial bonding point when they'd first met.

"So, any word on your next posting?" John asked, his image blurring just a little across the vid screen.

" _SSV London_ ," she replied.

"Sweet."

Jane's smile was almost dreamy. "I thought so." Curling up in the corner, she yawned again. "So, what's your agenda for today? Any raucous parties being thrown in your honor?"

His chuckle reverberated across the line. "I think Winters and Gannett have something planned, but I'm not supposed to know about that," he admitted. "Whatever it is, it'll have to wait. I've got a patrol to lead this afternoon."

Jane's brow lifted. "Anything serious?" Which meant, of course, anything out of the ordinary as life on a colonial post _always_ had serious implications given the potential for pirate raids.

"Not that I'm aware of," he replied. "What about you? Graduation and your birthday all in one is a pretty big deal."

Jane snorted softly. "We'll see. Maybe I'll just stay in and mess around with my 'tool upgrades instead."

"You could do that any night."

"True," she agreed, "but at least tonight I'd have a better than average chance of getting the lab to myself."

"Ah, working on something new then?" How many times had they shared bits of information to assist the other in tech upgrades? Once a tech geek, always a tech geek.

She nodded. "I'll let you know how it goes. Maybe I'll even share it with you at Christmas."

There was a moment of silence before he responded, "Mom's already contacted you? She's getting earlier every year, I swear!"

Jane chuckled before cracking yet another yawn. "Gonna do my best to get leave then. And for the record, I don't mind. It's nice being able to get together with your parents for the holidays." It certainly was better than spending them alone.

That was still a still painful road John knew better than to travel just then. "Well, if they haven't scared you off yet, I guess they like you," he teased.

"Better than _you_ at times. At least I write to them every so often," she poked.

He winced. "Ouch. I'm betting that was mom's request for intervention, wasn't it?"

Jane nodded as another yawn overtook her. "Yes. She's a little upset you missed her birthday I think."

"I promise, I'll contact her soon," he returned.

"You'd better, or I'd say your hopes for a Christmas gift might be on the line."

"Ah, but at least my birthday gift arrived safe and sound," he reported with a broad wink.

Jane laughed. "As did mine," she told him. "I swear, your mother is the queen of packaging!"

John grinned. "Pretty much. More like she knows _exactly_ what the thing will go through to get to us." He paused for a moment, then, "Jane -"

Though she got caught up in another yawn, Jane felt the shift in conversation; saw the way his eyes changed in intensity even across the vid waves. She began shaking her head back and forth even as she whispered, "John …."

Sighing, John bit back what he would have said next. "Right. Later." There was no hiding his disappointment, but as he had told Jane before, he didn't take it personally. If anything, he took it as a challenge. He was determined to wait, even if he gave in to weakness once in a while. Jane was yawning yet again when he told her instead, "In the meantime … looks like you need to head to bed."

"Back to bed - you woke me from a sound sleep with your call," she teased gently.

He rewarded her with a soft laugh. "Alright then, _back_ to bed, birthday girl. I'll talk to you later."

Jane managed a smile in reply. "Okay. Oh, and John?"

"Hmm?" He'd already glanced down, presumably preparing to disconnect the call, but his eyes lifted to find hers again.

"Don't party too hard, old man," she told him. A moment later, she disconnected the call and stumbled back to her bed, dropping into it and falling asleep before she could pull the covers over herself.

 _ **2174 - Christmas**_

The holidays were always tricky to manage with military schedules and postings, but ever since that first Christmas after basic training, John and Jane always made the attempt (and so far succeeded each time) to meet up with John's parents to celebrate. Sometimes for a day, occasionally for longer, it was always well worth any trouble they had to go through to make it happen. This year was no different, and after some planning and discussion, it resulted in a gathering on Earth at a rented cabin up in the Rocky Mountains for four days.

Jane - never having been anywhere other than London on Earth before - was entranced by the remarkably crisp, clean beauty of the place. After a day spent celebrating the holiday together, and bundled in her new sweater and scarf (courtesy of Hannah Shepard), Jane ducked out onto the porch that lined the front side of the cabin to take a few minutes to herself. She might enjoy spending the holidays with John and his family, might even have willingly allowed herself to be unofficially adopted into the family so she would have people with whom she could celebrate, but that did not keep her from the occasional twinge of loss and loneliness that being parted from her own parents brought.

"Don't go wandering too far," John's deep voice warned mildly from his position near the doorway some minutes later, "or you just might end up buried in a drift."

Standing at the railing, half bent at the waist so she could rest her arms against it, Jane chuckled softly and looked over at him. "I think my navigational skills can handle it," she replied.

Laughing softly himself, John crossed over to stand by her side. "I will ignore the veiled insult in those words," he replied casually while handing over a datapad to her, "and give you _this_ instead."

With a smirk of amusement still gracing her lips, Jane turned and accepted the datapad while asking, "What is it?"

"Think of it as one last … present," he suggested. He turned then, back to the railing, and rested his hips against the wooden structure while waiting her reaction. "Go on, read it."

Jane's eyes dropped to scan the message. Typical of most Alliance communications, it was brief and to the point. _… You have therefore been recommended to N-School and are hereby given orders to report to ICT Rio de Janeiro …._ Jane's eyes flew up to meet his. "N-school?!"

He nodded. "Apparently, they were impressed with my response to the pirate attack earlier in the year."

Jane set the pad aside and launched herself at him. She wasn't at all surprised when he caught her easily, accepting her hug. "John, that's wonderful!" She'd known since they were kids that his goal was to get into Alliance special forces.

Hugging her briefly in return, John set her carefully back on her feet before releasing her. "Kinda what I was thinking."

Jane's eyes drifted towards the doorway. "Do your parents know?"

John nodded. "Yeah. You can imagine their reactions. I'm surprised you didn't hear them all the way out here."

Smiling, Jane nodded while leaning against his shoulder. "Wow," she breathed, surprise still flowing strongly through her.

John's arm tightened around her, holding her in place. She had always been so supportive of him and his career goals. It hadn't even crossed his mind to _not_ share this news with her. "Anderson delivered that to me in person," he added. "I don't think I would have believed it otherwise."

"I can believe that," she replied. "I'd be a bit skeptical too unless someone higher up brought it to me." Sighing, she hugged him again. "That's … wow, that's a really big deal!" Straightening again, she rolled her shoulders back and looked up at him. "So, now what?"

Folding his arms, John shrugged. "I report to ICT at the end of my tour next month," he replied. "From what Anderson said, it can take anywhere from one to two years to fully complete training, depending on availability of assignments."

She noticed immediately the phrasing he used. _To fully complete_ , not _IF I complete_. Leaning over, she brushed a quick kiss to his cheek. He had never been one to lack in confidence in his abilities. "You're going to be busy for a while then, I guess," she observed.

"True," he agreed. When she pulled back, he was quick to stretch a hand out to her again, thankful when she took it. "But that won't mean I won't stay in touch."

Jane squeezed his hand in return. "I know, John, but this is unlike any training you've been through before," she reminded him. "I may've been young at the time, but I remember my father's time at N-School. The few occasions he was able to find time to catch up with us on vidchat, mom always made sure I was there."

John was silent for a moment, but his hand kept hers close. "You know you're at the top of my list," he finally said.

Jane sorted softly. "Much to your mother's chagrin, I imagine!" she teased.

"I think she understands why," he told her, bringing his other hand around until he had both of hers caught. "And I think you know she approves, too."

Wariness snuck up and caught Jane off guard in that moment, suddenly stalking her like a panther in the dark. John might not be openly asking in that moment, but she could see the question in his eyes, hear it in his tone. And while if pressed she might admit that this time her usual denial was not quite so immediate as previous times, she still could not in good faith give him what he asked just then. Turning her hands in his, Jane squeezed tightly. Before he could put voice to them, she whispered, "Let's enjoy the moment for now, John. We can celebrate the holiday together." _But that's all._

She met his eyes, saw the slight change there, but he nodded and kept his words to himself. When he pulled his hand from hers and spread his arm wide, silently offering her a space, she moved back to his side. "A walk in the moonlight then?" he asked after a moment.

Jane laughed. "What about those vicious snow drifts? Surely promotion to N-School hasn't made you a daredevil just yet?" she teased even as she nodded her agreement.

Grinning down at her, he led her down the steps. "I'll rely upon your excellent navigational skills to see that we return safely," he replied.

Their combined laughter echoed gently through the clear evening skies.

 _ **2175 - Arcturus**_

The resounding though muted thud of her gear landing upon the floor of the apartment at her feet was a welcoming enough one, but it did little to make a dent in the sheer exhaustion struggling to claim her before she'd even secured the door behind her. Once achieved, Jane sagged against the barrier, back sliding, knees bending as she sank to the floor. She loved her job - she truly did - but there were occasions when she wondered if she'd been half crazed to follow John into the recruitment office that day in London ….

"Rough mission?"

Startled, Jane jumped to her feet, spinning to her left to face the sound. "Christ, John!" she breathed, hand rising to her chest as she struggled to regain her breath, eyes closing for a long minute as she fought against the surge of an adrenaline rush.

"Sorry."

She heard steps approaching, felt his hand settle on her shoulder, and finally opened her eyes again … to find him standing before her, his left arm in a sling. Blinking back more surprise, her eyes darted up to his. "What the hell happened to you?"

Using his good hand, John waved off her concern. "Nothing a few weeks and some treatments at the med center won't fix," he replied. Jane frowned, but he simply leaned over to press a light kiss to her forehead. "Really, I'm okay."

When he stepped back, Jane rolled her shoulders while nodding. She would have to take his word for it. Besides, if it had happened at ICT, he likely couldn't talk to her about it anyway. "Is that why you're here? Medical leave?" she asked instead. They had been sharing the apartment for a couple of years now, it offering a home for them both between missions.

"Something like that," he replied.

Sighing, Jane walked into the main room and dropped onto the sofa. More evasion. No details. She was getting the sneaky suspicion she wasn't going to like his being N7 in the long run if this was how it was going to be. "You're still in the program, right? This isn't a -"

Taking a seat beside her, John chuckled. "Yes, Lieutenant Worry Wart, I'm still in the running at ICT. Now let's quit talking shop, okay? Unless _you_ need to vent. You look as if you came back from the gates of hell just now."

Jane's concern for him transmuted into a scowl of disgust. Snorting in derision, she muttered, "Yeah, you could say that. The whole thing just …" Another disgruntled sound escaped her lips. "SNAFU right from the outset," she added.

"Did you lose anyone?"

Sighing, she dropped back against the cushions, hands rising to cover her face. "Not for lack of trying, I'm sure," she muttered. "It was just … all of it was so _sense_ less, John! Roger's ended up with a head injury, Seeger with a broken leg and DeMarcos nearly had his arm taken off." She sighed again, struggling to maintain some composure. They'd all been warned against talking about the details of the mission.

John leaned towards her, searching her face. "And you?"

Jane's hands dropped and she tilted her head to the left to meet his gaze, but said nothing aloud. She noticed him wince, though, and figured he was reading her body language and possibly the look in her eyes, though what exactly he was seeing just then she had no clue. He was good at reading her, though. Then again, nearly having your head shot off point blank was something that would take her some time to get over, and likely was pretty obvious only recently removed from events.

But at the same time as she watched him react, Jane came to a realization. The mission itself had been bad, no doubts there, but the worst part about it as she now saw it is that John likely never would have known anything about it. Skirmishes in the Traverse were a dime a dozen anymore, and only the worst of them ever got reported by the media, and even then there was more speculation than fact in those stories. The one she and her team had been involved in was very minor by comparison. Had she ended up dead - and the memory of that batarian pirate with his pistol aimed at her head would take a VERY long time to forget! - John would never have known. The Alliance would have blocked any attempt to find out what really happened, too. And that was a tough pill to swallow.

Oh, Jane knew she could be sent on a top secret mission at any time and sworn to secrecy, as could John. But he was her best friend, more even, and the thought of him not being able to find out what happened to her was just … very troubling. Marriage wouldn't guarantee he would be told the truth, but it would give him access to certain information or at least benefits that he would otherwise not have access to otherwise.

Green eyes locked onto blue, and a soft smile tilted upwards at the corner of her mouth. Somewhere along the line since Christmas - or maybe it had started before that - 'later' had become 'now.'

John noticed, a smirk forming at his own lips. "Okay?" he asked slowly. "Something I need to know about?"

The smile strengthening, Jane's hand lifted to cup his cheek, the feel of his whiskers sharp against the softness of her palm. "I was just thinking," she murmured as she traced the line of his cheek with her thumb.

"Isn't that when trouble usually finds us?" he countered.

This time she managed a soft laugh. "Sounds about right," she agreed. She brought her thumb over to rest on his lower lip. She stared at that connection for a long moment before lifting her eyes to meet his again. "John," she said softly, "it's later."

He didn't react at first, and for a long moment, Jane wondered if he'd forgotten her words from so long ago. That would be just her luck, after denying him for so long. To finally reach a point where she _wanted_ to be with him and he just -

But then he gasped, his eyes widening as he sat back sharply, pulling out of range of her touch. Her hand dropped, landing on the cushion between them with a soft thump and a bounce, but before it could do more than that, John reached over and carefully pulled her into his arms, hugging her close. "I just heard you right, didn't I?" he asked near her ear, his arm an iron bands around her back.

Nodding around a choked laugh, Jane moved her arms around his shoulders. "You did," she agreed. "But just don't forget who did the asking though, alright?"

John pulled back just enough that their foreheads touched, his nose rubbing against the side of hers. Turning his head just a touch, he ghosted his lips over hers. "And don't you forget who never gave up," he told her.

Jane sighed into the kiss, feeling the spark of electricity between them jolt through her. "Never," she promised.


End file.
